Buster McLeod

confusion-proof

I've been feeling CONFUSED lately. So confused in fact that I don't even know what I'm confused about. The problem with being confused is that focusing on ending the confusion is a bit difficult. Because confusion is generally the lack of being able to focus, I think. And maybe involves not even realizing that you're confused. That's true confusion, isn't it? I don't know.

When I'm not feeling truly confused (just moderately confused) and I can actually articulate that I am confused (like now) I try to devise strategies that are confusion-proof. If I can make a strategy confusion-proof then it's almost indestructible. Except it would also have to be forgetfulness-proof and loss-of-motivation-proof. But it would be much better off than they are now.

What is a strategy and for what does it strategize? I don't know. I'm confused. But I think it has to do with being constantly vigilant about something. A project, maybe a SECRET project. The BRAIN is the true enemy, folks. The BRAIN is constantly trying to thwart us.

The sensation of confusion to me is one where it feels like the brain is spinning fast like a top and nothing sticks to it. Spin spin spin! Make a motion with your finger and a whirring sound to indicate this spinning. BZZZ! And not only that but it's moving vertically up and down all the time too... indicating morale changes. I think one of the reasons that I drink so much coffee and alcohol is that both of these things help regulate the madness. Coffee regulates the vertical and alcohol regulates the speed of the spinning... slows it down a little. Having a rein on the BRAIN is essential to avoiding confusion.

I've recently also been trying meditation in the mornings and the evenings. It is incredibly difficult. I like saying things out loud while meditating... anything that flies through my brain I say out loud in order to dispel it. But what happens is that I'll start drifting and then however many moments later I catch myself and have to spew out a chain of words to catch up to the many thoughts I so recently had. It sounds like this: "Shorty's! Chili Cheese Dog! PBR! Chili! Fork! Tasty!" and then silence for a few more minutes and then: "Walk! Viaduct! Eggnog Latte! Rain! Coat! Bus!" and then a few more minutes of silence, etc etc. It's sort of fun. I sort of want to record hundreds of hours of myself doing this and give the tapes to my grandchildren when I die.

Meditation has always struck me as a weird practice, because I have always misunderstood it. I always thought it was about clearing the mind, thinking about NOTHING in that paradoxical yet endearing way. But it's more about understanding and being aware of your crazy brain. Dispelling confusion! The same way you are supposed to follow your breathing and not try to control it, but just watch it come in and go out in the natural way that it does, I think you are supposed to also follow your thoughts and watch them come in and go out in the natural way that they do. So, saying your thoughts out loud is actually helpful because not only do you think them, and say them, but you also HEAR them. Each thought is made visible three times, and the two latter times make stronger impressions than the first but perhaps over time some of the impression will seep backwards into the first thought of the thought? I don't know.

Now HERE'S a question for any meditation-doers out there. Do you think stream-of-consciousness TYPING is quasi-equivalent to meditating? Typing words as they come to you... letting words lead to other words, not caring about where they go or if they repeat, but just sort of pooping them out for a period of time? Because, after trying it a couple times I think it FEELS the same. In fact, I think it feels a bit better, because it's an action rather than a lack of action. It's easy to DO something, it's not so easy NOT TO DO something. Sit and DON'T think, versus sit and write whatever. But, what I fear is that I won't get any better at noticing the impressions of thoughts because I'm forcing thoughts a bit more by pushing words out along the screen.

So maybe it's all baloney. Maybe I should stick with the meditation even though it's WAY more difficult and I start to feel claustrophobic. Stuck with myself. Is that common? Is it common to be sitting by yourself purposefully not doing anything and then to look around and realize that you're in your own company and that you are STUCK with yourself? It must be. I think.

Do you know what else I want to do? Design a custom Magic 8-Ball.

words typed while listening to Rach 3 (part 2)

twilight, soda, santa, panda, girls, elves, green, tree, christmas, thorns, carpet, blood, robe, red, yellow, BIRDS, sublime, feathery, fly-y, horns, hot air balloon, corn on the cob, scarf, trailing, wind, blowing, clouds, sky, love, romance, the great, noble, struggle, spirit animal, in it to win it, going for broke, car window, locked out, shattered!, shout, bullhorn, fog horn, fog, light house, waves, Virginia Woolf, danger, river, suicide, oven, Sylvia Plath, Ted, monkfish, ugly, fleshy, big mouth, teeth, dentist, suburbs, blond, dying, dye, cloth, stripes, dots, wall ornaments, fly, New Year's Eve, party, lace, shoes, lawyer, The Elephants, The Crocodile, play room, ball room, fast food, Ronald McDonald, hamburgers, canary, robin, torture, slingshot, salon, phone call, 7am, dreams, trouble, film noir, damsels in distress, King Kong, no desire, zealousness, zealot, war on Christmas, tired, shopping, poop, signal lights, rain, torrent, drenched, jaywalking, repeat, chorus, strings, platform, lovely, adorable, Stoli martini, hippos, merlot, good night, dismissed, blackout, burden, crazy, AAAH!, ice pick, ax, coal mines, essence of wetness, moist, sponge, sea life, oysters, jellyfish, lilies, dinosaurs, blahditation, web community, ideas, radical self promotion, brand, Switzerland, Reload Bags, pinball machine, Shorty's, chili cheese dog, PBR, clowns, mimes, circus, winking, pointing, false teeth, lions, wooden leg, whip, leather, classifieds, Volunteer Park, dog park, public art (the circular cement thing in particular), sketchy, crack, deals, Neil, safety, legalization, smoking ban, parlor, poker, grand piano, Casablanca, Morocco, Paul Newman, billiards, Croupier, born loser, The Hustler, everything is pick-up, palace of cards, limos, casino, Lusty Lady, maple, Canada, smell of Christmas, hot toddies, photography, wishlist, the larger moralic picture, flask, theater, popcorn, unicycle, hummus, carrots, tragedy, roadblock, 8 ball, fortune cookie, custom, B-Bam, drunk of the week, sucker, auction, monorail, test tubes with pigs in them, dead brain cells, focus, effort, trying, work, exercise.

words typed while listening to Rach 3

hot air balloon, landscape, flame, heat, electricity, energy, Richard Feynman, jewish, Wittgenstein, brothers, suicide, Austria, war, science, whales, dogs, frogs, foxes, den, bears, grass, eating, cows, beef, fish, sushi, rolls, plates, chefs, clean, Japanese, snow, cherry blossoms, calligraphy, hills, rolling, sunshine, sunset, Puget Sound, buildings, reflections, mirror, pond, Walden, Henry David Thoreau, existentialism, Albert Camus, The Fall, absurtity, nonsense, bullshit, meaninglessness, mu, sake, heels, red, pointy, feet, walking, peripatetic, Socrates, Rome, empire, decent people, pee, rats, disease, The Plague, coughing, hacking, sick, cold, flu, DayQuil, medicine, doctors, smell of hospitals, beeping of monitors, green lines, missles, childhood, television, air cleaners, robots, Roomba, mopping, cleaning, dishes, soap, smell of laundry, paper towels, parchment, scrolls, writing, Jack Kerouac, beat, drum, War Room, dancing, dark, drinks, alcohol, soda, Shepard Fairey, obey, giant, wall paintings, portraits, design, modern, crisp, cool, winter, sunny, haircut, parties, holidays, piano, musical, Rachmaninov, autism, obsession, passion, empathy, romance, dating, personals, eh, awkwardness, force, futility, love, messages, text messaging, beep, secrets, life is beautiful, world wars, bombs, overcoats, roses, tombstones, fire, barn, burial, guns, family, pigs, tired, 4:23, drama, livejournal, therapy, chefs, taxis, ferris wheels, business, entrepreneurship, passion, career, Mozart, genius, unhappiness, creativity, tragedy, Italy, neice, babies, brains, behavior, Einstein, mobiles, colors, tricks, painting, texture, white, uncle, Japan, art studio, smell of turpintine, wood floors, slippers, heater, frosty windows, smell of wood, quiet, fireworks, fireflies, unicycle, garden, rain, pipes, stones, bugs, dog, firewood, rice, soup, benches, cold noodles, routine, vacuuming, nuclear family, old fashioned, traditional, repression, anger, blah, therapy, help, futility, winter solstice, haircut, exercise, running, rowing, energy, self-improvement, confusion, focus, clothes, fashion, shoes, black, French, coat, shiny, wool, Truffaut, Antoine Doinel, detective, granada blue, wall, salon style, classical, sonata, Beethoven, whistling, umbrella, rain, bar, pub, whiskey, bender, Lost Weekend, flask, scarf, boots, woods, forest, Narnia, melodrama, nostalgia, Venom, Medusa, Cowgirls Inc, meat, slingshot.

being happy with being unhappy

Most things get used up. Candles, gas tanks, glasses of water, money in the bank. Other things work a bit differently, in a more biological way: rather than getting used up, there are systems that attempt to match their usage. Strength is a good example... everyone realizes that the more often you use your muscles and your physical energy, the more your body will have available for you next time you need to use it. The body tries to match the demand for its resources. The body responds to effort being used by becoming stronger. This is common knowledge, but I think that this phenomenon actually applies to more areas of our lives than we typically give it credit for.

In fact, almost everything about ourselves works this way: memory, passion, intelligence, patience, empathy, strength of will, ambition, luck, happiness. All of these things that we sort of assume are static characteristics of ourselves can be exercised and improved.

Something I've been noticing lately is that people often inadvertently discourage trying to change. People say you are forcing things, or trying too hard. People encourage you to relax, take it easy, calm down, give yourself a break. While these are meant to increase happiness, I think they are misleading in that the way to improve yourself often requires a very forced and concerted effort that in fact includes actually trying.

What are you trying to do right now. Beyond survive. Which parts of your brain and body and life and circumstances are you trying to improve? I've found that even the ability to "try" is something that takes practice, and exercise. The biggest problem is probably that it's difficult to focus on something when focusing itself is something that we don't have much natural ability in (and it only gets worse with all of our daily distractions). People don't realize how easy it is to try to do something, once you can focus on trying to. Or, they don't realize that there's a correllation between trying and actually doing. Excuses I hear a lot are that they don't know where to start, or that it's not that simple. A lot of people seem to be happy being unhappy. I find it a bit ridiculous. Why must a job "be a job"? Why must compromises be made so quickly? If compromises must be made, at which point should they be made? I think amazing things happen to people who expect amazing things to happen.