I've been feeling CONFUSED lately. So confused in fact that I don't even know what I'm confused about. The problem with being confused is that focusing on ending the confusion is a bit difficult. Because confusion is generally the lack of being able to focus, I think. And maybe involves not even realizing that you're confused. That's true confusion, isn't it? I don't know.
When I'm not feeling truly confused (just moderately confused) and I can actually articulate that I am confused (like now) I try to devise strategies that are confusion-proof. If I can make a strategy confusion-proof then it's almost indestructible. Except it would also have to be forgetfulness-proof and loss-of-motivation-proof. But it would be much better off than they are now.
What is a strategy and for what does it strategize? I don't know. I'm confused. But I think it has to do with being constantly vigilant about something. A project, maybe a SECRET project. The BRAIN is the true enemy, folks. The BRAIN is constantly trying to thwart us.
The sensation of confusion to me is one where it feels like the brain is spinning fast like a top and nothing sticks to it. Spin spin spin! Make a motion with your finger and a whirring sound to indicate this spinning. BZZZ! And not only that but it's moving vertically up and down all the time too... indicating morale changes. I think one of the reasons that I drink so much coffee and alcohol is that both of these things help regulate the madness. Coffee regulates the vertical and alcohol regulates the speed of the spinning... slows it down a little. Having a rein on the BRAIN is essential to avoiding confusion.
I've recently also been trying meditation in the mornings and the evenings. It is incredibly difficult. I like saying things out loud while meditating... anything that flies through my brain I say out loud in order to dispel it. But what happens is that I'll start drifting and then however many moments later I catch myself and have to spew out a chain of words to catch up to the many thoughts I so recently had. It sounds like this: "Shorty's! Chili Cheese Dog! PBR! Chili! Fork! Tasty!" and then silence for a few more minutes and then: "Walk! Viaduct! Eggnog Latte! Rain! Coat! Bus!" and then a few more minutes of silence, etc etc. It's sort of fun. I sort of want to record hundreds of hours of myself doing this and give the tapes to my grandchildren when I die.
Meditation has always struck me as a weird practice, because I have always misunderstood it. I always thought it was about clearing the mind, thinking about NOTHING in that paradoxical yet endearing way. But it's more about understanding and being aware of your crazy brain. Dispelling confusion! The same way you are supposed to follow your breathing and not try to control it, but just watch it come in and go out in the natural way that it does, I think you are supposed to also follow your thoughts and watch them come in and go out in the natural way that they do. So, saying your thoughts out loud is actually helpful because not only do you think them, and say them, but you also HEAR them. Each thought is made visible three times, and the two latter times make stronger impressions than the first but perhaps over time some of the impression will seep backwards into the first thought of the thought? I don't know.
Now HERE'S a question for any meditation-doers out there. Do you think stream-of-consciousness TYPING is quasi-equivalent to meditating? Typing words as they come to you... letting words lead to other words, not caring about where they go or if they repeat, but just sort of pooping them out for a period of time? Because, after trying it a couple times I think it FEELS the same. In fact, I think it feels a bit better, because it's an action rather than a lack of action. It's easy to DO something, it's not so easy NOT TO DO something. Sit and DON'T think, versus sit and write whatever. But, what I fear is that I won't get any better at noticing the impressions of thoughts because I'm forcing thoughts a bit more by pushing words out along the screen.
So maybe it's all baloney. Maybe I should stick with the meditation even though it's WAY more difficult and I start to feel claustrophobic. Stuck with myself. Is that common? Is it common to be sitting by yourself purposefully not doing anything and then to look around and realize that you're in your own company and that you are STUCK with yourself? It must be. I think.
Do you know what else I want to do? Design a custom Magic 8-Ball.