the allure of being unhealthy

Ideas are like magnets, or planets, pulling you towards them. They have a special force about them that hypnotizes us into thinking that everything is black and white, that lines are neatly drawn between healthy and unhealthy, good for you and bad for you, happy and depressed and sad and content, etc. My last year of lifestyle experimentation has resulted in my questioning how health and happiness are related, how being smart and being happy are related, how knowing what is right for you and happiness are related. It's crucially important to understand how things are related to happiness because it is this crazy thing that you cannot get directly and yet it is the gold of this world. Complete this sentence for me:

The first step to becoming happy is...

It can be the first step of a thousand or a million or even infinite things, but where do you start? Without being able to start, there is (ready for this shocker?) no way to start! Have you started yet or what?

Here's my first step... to watch yourself. A lot of times when I look at myself I see ideas. I am a person that likes to go 80s dancing. I am a person that likes to have time to myself. I am a person that has to enjoy what he does at work. When you look at yourself and you see an idea, you're not really seeing yourself. You're seeing a magnet, or a planet, that has pulled you towards it. Put on your anti-gravitation suit and try again. Watch yourself... what do you actually spend your time doing during the day? What do you actually think about? When are you happy and when are you sad?

Okay, stop watching yourself. That really doesn't help either. It helps make you a bit obsessive compulsive, though. Which I really enjoy by the way. In fact, I'm taking it to the next level soon. While recording my morale for the last year, I think I've learned that the 1-10 system has its flaws. For example, some people think 5 is average, others think 7 is average. But nobody thinks 6 is average. I'm going to change my scale to a -10-10 system soon. 0 is therefore more obviously average. Also, it's going to work better with my morale-feedback scoring system which will work with my happiness game. It's all a bit crazy if you're wondering. But just as people can use bio-feedback to learn how to regulate their own heart rates and stress levels, I think I'll be able to learn how to regulate my own happiness with this morale-feedback system... it's basically going to track my morale along with an evolving point system of my daily activities and I will strive to make the point system become in sync with the morale trends... ultimately getting more points when the point system chart mirrors the morale-o-meter chart.

On the allure of being unhealthy and unhappy. It makes me easier to relate to. Anyone can relate to a fuck-up. In the meantime, I'm really curious about the real boundaries of the body. How much do I have to drink before I REALLY AM an alcoholic? How much do I need to smoke before I ACTUALLY WANT a cigarette? How little sleep can I get before I can no longer function? The ideas of alcoholism, smoking, and general health are some of the most gravitational of our society. Surely they're already punching their ways out of your heads as you read this. It's like the first time I got drunk or high... I had no idea for the range involved and ended up way overshooting the mark each time. But now I know what the range is... and that's something that some people may not know. It's important to know where real thresholds lay, and not to rely on the idea of thresholds. It's part of not learning from experience (in this case, second hand experience). And what if I did become an alcoholic, would that really change things that much (again, resist the punching of the ideas in your head... have you been an alcoholic? Do you know that it's ALWAYS bad or have you just been trained to think that? Is there anything that we think that we haven't been trained to think though? Nothing is always one way. There's only one difference between geniuses and crazy people--both of them will do the same stupid thing over and over and over and over again against all reason and better judgement--but geniuses eventually prove themselves and crazy people don't.

I've been identifying myself with unhealthy activities for almost a year now... I now see what it's like... and also see that it does have its advantages and disadvantages. In the name of not giving into gravity, I am seriously considering flopping back to healthiness (especially as my bronchitis kicks in and I don't want to have another 3 months of hacking and coughing). Does this mean I am going to go on the wagon (or off the wagon... I forget which)? No, but I won't make a point of my wagon-orientation as often as I do... it'll be another uninteresting neither here nor there fact about me. And I am thinking of dusting off my running shoes too, and getting a few other parts of my life in order. Why not? See, I don't want to give up one idea for another... I'd rather live in the empty space between ideas where things float and bounce off one another willy nilly and no line can be drawn between here and there and that other place. I'll check back in a bit later.

Comments

[Jordan]

> On the allure of being unhealthy and unhappy. It makes me easier to relate to. Anyone can relate to a fuck-up.

Dear postmodern protaganist,

At the end of "Catcher in the Rye", did we not understand the falsity in digression? At the end of "Notes from the Underground", did we not see the hollowness of self-hatred?

Any true romantic sees life through a different colored lens than most. Under many circumstances, this is a tremendous gift to the world. Under different circumstances, it is a tremendous burden to himself and those around him.

A romantic can only hope to surround himself with friends, family, and supportive voices to see him through harder times. But in the end, if I read those two books correctly, a man's happiness is his own responsibility. Flawed art comes from need. Beautiful art comes from joy.

I don't think the difference between genius and crazy is productivity. Get those management books out of your head. Stop listening to Paul Graham.

To me, the line between a genius and crazy is that I enjoy relating to geniuses. I do not enjoy relating to crazies. Where I draw the line is arbitrary, and relevant only to myself.

You might be a megalomaniac if: you attempt to redraw the lines of those around you rather than finding ways to fit in. Megalomania is related to power is related to sex. Sex lies at the root of all addiction. It's no wonder that irrational activities get you laid.

The internet gives us new ways of finding niches of people with the same addictions as ourselves. Whether or not one chooses to use it that way is ultimately their own responsibility. Postmodernism (the paradox of choice) is making it harder to form identity; and I think, maybe, idenity is what makes us happy.

But yeah, I'm still with ya.

Jordan

[Erik Benson]

Hey Jordan,

I got different things out of Catcher In The Rye and Notes from the Underground than you did, I think. To me, those were not books that ultimately proved the main characters as faulty... it's all a mixed bag, neither better nor worse than the alternatives... but for some people the bag traps you. They are two of the most charismatic characters in literature though, largely because they are such fuck ups... don't you think? How about Humbert Humbert? Hamlet? Anyone who's name begins with an H?

I disagree that beautiful art comes from joy... well I guess it depends on your definition of joy, since many believe that incredible highs can only come with the company of incredible lows. Was Beethoven a happy man when he wrote Ode to Joy?

I wasn't saying that the difference between craziness and genius is productivity, both are usually equally productive... just that... okay maybe there is no difference. Geniuses get credit, crazies don't. And for me, I don't particularly like hanging out with geniuses... they tend to be really annoying... they care too much about things that don't matter... but by caring too much, they can often pull out new things that we can enjoy without having cared that much about them ourselves. I don't want to dive to the bottom of the ocean, but I don't mind looking at cool pictures of weird fish.

[Jordan]

> To me, those were not books that ultimately proved the main characters as faulty... it's all a mixed bag, neither better nor worse than the alternatives...

I agree; at the end of the book we are shown both characters as human and real. We identify with the pain. However, I believe the motivation for writing both books was to show that even if those character traits are fundamental (and valid) human drives, it is better to live happily than die a martyr. And that means framing one's romanticism within the context of your surroundings.

> they care too much about things that don't matter...

Idealist western thought (Ayn Randish self-interest stuff) claims that we all care only about ourselves, but the crux is that one rarely leaves a mark on the world by acting in his self-interest. Most of us care far too much about one thing that doesn't matter: ourselves.

Many of the self-proclaimed "geniuses" I know become so entrenched in the minutae of a given topic that they lose the ability to see their effect to the world at large. Sometimes they use dense language to describe self-interest.

I dunno, I think we're using genius in different ways here. My only point is that there is no point. Everything is relative (is postmodernism, in general, a relativism? - not sure on this one). The best thing for any person is taking the path that makes himself and those around him the happiest. If you have the vision to see far-reaching effects of your talent, it is a burden to be sure; but don't expect to die a martyr.

All I got from those two books is that it was not the world that was making the protaganists miserable, it was themselves.

> many believe that incredible highs can only come with the company of incredible lows

And many believe that this country's financial success has been driven by a tendency for mania (look up the Hypomanic Edge). I've never been convinced that mania is not within any person's control, there is generally a concious decision to "follow the rabbit down the hole". I believe this decision is reversible with a little prodding and recovery - should one ever want to for the sake of happiness.

Jordan